Body rubs and Beat Downs
by Alteria
Summary: What happens when an american massage therapist is inducted into the varia castle? Ask Miki. Rated for swear among other things. No pairings yet
1. Chapter 1

**I dont know why Im posting this but I found it and though it was funny so...yeah xD**

* * *

Ah...I should introduce myself huh? My name is Miki...not in a Japanese way either...like Mickie but different. ANYWAY I accepted a job, or rather I was assigned a job in Italy. I work for a world class massage therapist and now I currently wish I became a doctor like my mother wanted. No one had told me anything about Xanxus...or Squalo...or Bel for that matter. No one said anything ANYTHING about the fucking Mafia either.

When I finally managed to get to this god forsaken castle I was hungry tired and cold as all holy hell. That apparently didn't matter. I was yanked out of the car and yelled at by a man with long hair and a loud voice. I mean like Holy-shit-are-we-in-a-cornfield? loud. I was thrown into a room, quite literally thanks, and my bag was tossed on top of me. I stood up to ask what was going on when 'he' moved. I turned around and met an angry shirtless man with scars...and feathers. Now granted my Italian is a little- oh fuck it I cant speak Italian to save my life which was one of the reasons I didn't want to come here in the first place.

He yelled and threw something and I stood there like a deer in headlights. It wasn't until he pointed at the bed that I made a complete idiot of myself. What? there's an incredibly angry sexy shirtless man pointing at a bed. What would you think? I slowly walked over to the bed and he laid on his stomach.

"Oh..._oh_...OH! oh shit!" he wanted his massage!

Instead of getting out a bunch of nasty smelling oils I tested out his muscles. *shudders* Yeah. I rubbed a little bit of oil on his back, just a little and sat on his ass. God I love my job! My job is stupid simple...and I'm good at what I do. Hell I even studied for it. After hitting all the right spots I felt his taught muscles loosen under my hands. You can tell when someone falls asleep during a massage. When your really good at it that's what supposed to happen. So when he fell asleep I wasn't surprised. I waited before I got of his back. More for my own pleasure then anything else but hey I'm entitled to right?

I stayed in the room silent for fear of waking him up or getting lost. My phone which is always on vibrate buzzed in my pocket. I stood up and walked to the door answering it. I pulled the door shut so I didn't wake him up.

"Hello?"

"Miki how are things in Italy?"

"They're fine...I guess."

"Good good, You'll get paid after you get back safely" _well that sounded weird._

"Uhm...ok then. When do I come back?"

"Oh that's up to him sweety"

"Dude...you didn't like...pimp me out again did you?"

"Have you met him yet?"

"-well yeah but"

a noise down the hall made me look up. It was probably just a cat...I hope.

"Look when am I coming back? I don't want to hear any of this-"

Lets pause. Like a dumb ass I was leaning against the door, so of course when it opened I fell backwards. Into a rather warm and bare chested man.

"The girl belongs to me now."

He hung up my phone.

Instead of thinking holy shit did he just say he _owned _me...I was totally think YES I'M OWNED BY A HOTTIE!

Apparently he knew he was going to_ keep_ me. My stuff was already in a room. My iguana included. Though how it got here I'll never know. I was too busy moving things around and throwing things to hear the two people come into the room. When I did notice them I dropped the rather heavy books in my hands.

"Ushishishi, The prince is bored so we came to bug you~"

When I didn't move, not because my foot hurt from getting pinned to the ground with a heavy book, but because I had no idea what they were saying they came into the room.

The one with a really big frog hat sounded...dead. The other one had a creepy laugh but they only walked into my room like they owned it. for all I know they did. I think they asked me questions...I don't know. I picked up one of the smaller books, Italian for Idiots~courtesy of my mother and cracked it open.

"Non capisco...che lei dice?" It came out harsh...and was met with laughter from the girl? Nah the voice was too deep. The other one simply smiled. It was terrifying. It took almost 10 minutes to finally understand that they were trying to introduce themselves.

"mi chiamo il Belphegor"

"Bell..feh..jhor?" He didn't appreciate his name being sounded out apparently but the other one thought it was funny. And it was until he whipped out knifes.

"mi chiamo il Fran"

"Fran...that's easy to remember." _And even if it wasn't that hat surely was._

A flamboyantly gay man waltzed into my room speaking in rapid Italian dragging a bear with him. The bear didn't appear like he wanted me to be there but the gay man was all squeals and delight. Too bad I have no clue what he's saying. Bel said something to him and the green haired one apologized. I think he did anyways.

"Oh you poor thing, you must think we're all crazy!"

"Oh my god! you speak English!"

"Of course I do silly! My name is Lussuria" he said pulling me into a twirling hug.

"I'm Miki, I guess I live here now..."

"Oh we know already, Boss had us bring your stuff here." At this I screamed in a horrified fashion. If _they_ brought my stuff then that means they _might_ know my biggest secret in the world!

"W-who got my clothes?"

"Oh, me of course. You cant leave clothing to these fools they'll destroy everything. Quite a collection you've got by the way."

Its cool. He's gay. He's _gay!_ Its not like I have to worry about a gay man looking through my incredibly wide selection of underwear.

"Yes quite a collection indeed~ The prince had fun ripping a few pairs too"

"YOU SPEAK ENGLISH!" I paused for a second before what he said sunk in. And I screamed again. Louder then that long haired guy

"YOU SHREDDED MY UNDERWEAR YOU FREAK! HOW MANY! YOU BETTER BE PAYING ME BACK FOR THOSE!"

I ran to the dresser and ripped it open. The screaming I just pulled was nothing. It took almost half an hour to calm me down.

Lussuria, after getting his hearing checked, took me into the kitchen and gave some some hot tea. I never really did like tea but it helped.  
"My...prized collection...400 pairs...*hic*..."

"It was just an illusion, calm down" pantamimed Fran from the doorway.

"You! you...you mind freak! That was a horrible trick to play on someone! Not to mention pretending like you couldn't speak English!"

"It was too much fun."

I cried into Lussuria's shoulder like a baby until a thought came to mind.

"What the hell do you mean by Illusion?" He smiled again the freaky little shit. Although he was kinda cute...the frog hat wasn't endearing though.

"If you don't know telling you would serve no point"

Before I even said anything something dripped on my shoulder. I froze up and turned around. Suffice it to say that I fell for another illusion. Not only did it look and feel like there was a real zombie behind me but it had a smell to. Yes I did run like hell. Not to mention get lost as well.

I didn't bother to slow down when I realized that I was tricked again. All I could think of was revenge. The thought process of how to skin him alive was interrupted by bare man chest. Bare chest was not comfortable to run at full speed into nor was it soft enough to break a fall. When I sat up I found myself straddling a rather angry silver haired man fresh from the shower and none too happy about being on the dirty floor.

"Holy shit! I'm so sorry! I didn't mean to-!"

He rolled us over so that he was on top and all I could think was _oh my gawd I wish my hair was as long as his_. Never mind the fact that he only had on a towel and was presently pinning me to the ground with incredible strength I might add. I don't think he got the memo about me not being able to speak Italian. He wasn't yelling...it was more like growling. Thank god Lussuria came around the corner when he did even if he was panting.

"Voi, what the hell is she doing running around the castle like that!"

"Fran and Bel had a little bit too much fun"

"Those two little shits...what language is she speaking?"

"Squ-chan you don't know how to speak English?"

"Don't fucking call me that! Why the fuck would I know how to speak English!"

"Oh dear, well I guess we just have to teach her Italian"

My head bobbed from back and forth or should I say up and down as skuchan? had yet to get off me. They both stared down at me and I looked back confused. I'm not gonna lie and say I was uncomfortable but I wasn't exactly comfortable. A booted foot met with Skuchans head and collided painfully into my chest, knocking the wind out of me.

"Xanxus! you'll crush her!"

"Like I give a shit, she can easily be replaced. You'll teach her how to speak Italian. You have a week and she better be as fluent as us got it trash?"

Lussuria had clued me in on what he said and I managed to slither out from Squchan (what the hell kinda name is that anyway?) to glare at Xanxus.

"I don't know what you're deal is but I'm not gonna learn a language just cause your too lazy to speak mine when I know you can!"

Lussuria was visibly sweating and pulling me away from a smirking Xanxus. When we ran something behind us exploded...fueling my speed.

And so begins my life with the Varia.

* * *

**Miki's personality is a bit out there. Shes kinda ditzy too but after finding the second chapter to this story I know that it gets better. Or funnier at least. Review if you want the second chapter! **

**No seriously...if you dont click that button...I wont update...and I'll send Hibari after you too.**

**_"This story has nothing to do with me. Bother me again and I'll bite you to death."_**

**Hey. I wrote porn for you and thats how you- ok Im sorry I'll leave you alone.**

_"Ciassu, Hibari. If you help her out I'll fight you."_

_"..."_

**Can you at least do the disclaimer without getting violent towards me?**

**_"This Herbivore doesnt own anything but her OC."_**

**Yeah so dont bitch or try to sue me.**

**_"If you value your lives you'll review"_**

**Yeah...what he said...bitches xD_  
_**


	2. Chapter 2

Squalo is terrifying. Xanxus is even worse but at least _he_ doesn't try to blow out my eardrums on a daily basis. Anyway it's impossible to learn a language in seven days. Scratch that it's impossible for _me_ to learn a language...period. Seriously it is. I mean it took me years to figure out how to use an electric can opener, so it shouldn't surprise you that I have barely grasped the basics of this language. Italian is alot harder then I thought it would be even with Lussu-nii. I'm pretty sure the nii part of that is Japanese but I don't bother to question him about it. As questionable as Lussurias nick name is at least he's more help then a certain long haired guy. Squalo isn't any help at all. He cant even speak English though me and Bel have taken immense pleasure in talking about him in front of his face. If it weren't for him and that creepy laugh...or just him Squalo would have killed me. With a sword. Which makes me wonder what the hell they do for a living.

"Squ-sempai's looking more and more feminine everyday, don't you think so peasant?"

"He lacks boobs...and grace. Do you think he'd let us put him in a water bra?"

"Ushishishi~!"

"VOI! WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU SAYING!"

"Nothing~!"

I've learned so far that learning a second language may be fucking impossible for me but talking smack about Squalo to his face is _oh_ so entertaining. The language barrier does have a use...as does Bel. Speaking of the _prince_ I really wonder where he keeps those knives of his. I found out first hand how sharp they are and he just whips them out of no where? Anyways as I was saying. Squalo is indeed terrifying. And not for the obvious reasons. He stares at me, like he's gonna eat me or something. Not that cannibalism would be a major shock to me by the way but its...awkward. It started the day after I got here. Fran was appointed my own personal translator for the day since Bel and Luss had to go to work. No problem. I got used to the illusions so he couldn't pull that bull on me again. He did play a rather cruel trick on me though. He was showing me around the varia castle and ditched me in a room I didn't recognize. It was someones bedroom from what I could tell, it was missing a lot of furniture though. Common sense should have told me to get the hell out of their but seeing as how I lack that and a decent brush I decided to wait for Fran to pop out of where or something. I never knew what the hell that kids thinking.

"VOI! WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING IN MY ROOM!"

I whipped around losing about three shades of color and 10 years off my life. I regret that intensely. I should have run. I really should have.

"HOLY SHIT! WHY ARE YOU NAKED!"

"WHAT!"

"P-perché lei è n-nudo!"

"questa è la mia stanza maledetta posso essere nudo se voglio"

...he wasn't screaming. He had a point it was his room and he did have more then every right to be naked in his own room. Thing was I couldn't take my eyes off of him. I wasn't lookin down or anything but hey, eye candy is eye candy damnit.

Wait...I understood what he said.

"Il mio dio ho capito ciò! GASP! I did it again!" At this point I was bouncing like a kid in a candy store "Squalo this is amazing! you're like my personal italian generator or-or...what are you doing?"

I backed into the wall, with him prowling closer and closer to me I didn't have a choice. He put his hands on the wall one on each side of me beside. Then he leaned in with a slight glare on his face. Like he was fighting something. Or hungry one of the two. Granted I'm not stupid and he's nude so theres a possibilty that I _might_ just know what he's thinking. Which really makes me wonder when the last time any of them saw a woman was.

"C-che fa lei? S-squalo?"

"Uscire." One word was all he growled before he moved away from me and I slid down the wall into a puddle. He grabbed his towel off the bed and covered himself. Not that I cared either way since he wanted me to get out so badly. When I finally gained control of my legs I stood up and his voice washed over me again.

"Io non capisco perché boss idiota che ha deciso di tenerti qui.(1)" Well that stung.

"Perché sono bravo nel mio lavoro!(2)"

"Che" I cracked my knuckles and he glared at me.

"I'll make you a deal Squalo, if I can put you to sleep in less then five minutes you have to give me a fully body massage."

"What kind of deal is that?"

"A good one if you ask me."

"Heh, and if you lose?"

"Thats up to you."

The time to talk was over save for me telling him to lay on his stomach. Mmmm glorius man ass was his! Hehehe anyways once I was settled on his butt I rubbed my hands up his warm muscle toned back. It didn't really surprise me how tense everything was, with the way he's always shouting. And being abused by Xanxus too. I won by the way. And with Squalo always around to bicker with Xanxus didn't kill me! Hooray!

* * *

Yay a foot note!

(1)Ho indossato capisce perché che l'idiota ha deciso di tenerla qui: roughly~ I don't understand why that idiot boss decided to keep you here. I hope anyways. If you can speak italian I envy you. For now I'll stick to google translate lol

(2)Perché sono bravo nel mio lavoro! roughly~ Because I'm good at what I do!

**Yeah it's short, Im sorry! the next one will be better xD **


End file.
